So, it's sunday
I'm mentally prepared to die though I hope I won't.
As I've already said on one of the videos I won't have any regret about my life if I'm killed today.
All I need to be sure of is that at least I will stay in your memories if I'm dead.
I'm suicidal, on the contrary, I'm scared to lose my puny life today or any coming days in the future.
Story:
Lucy know a part of it and I know all of it and I filmed 30% of what happened.
Take a seat, girls:
1. Esteban gave me a punch in the face!!! It was not a good punch from the boxer's point of you, but I wasn't prepared to be punched in the face and I don't like violence. I still feel the pain on my hips from the Etienne Monin (Estaban) slaps. My arm hurts too. Etienne was drunk after having party with the group of Swiss folks and one Australian (James) (from 27 07 2007). He agressed me physically and psychologically for nearly 3 hours starting from 1.30 am (you can watch video of this). He didn't respect any rules and abused me in every possible way including occasionally touching my genitals with his pal, hand, knee and feet. And as you may have already guessed it hurts a bit when somebody puts their knee accidentally on man's scrotum.
2.Unfortunately for him, I don't need to be the strongest man in the world to bring him back to Earth and show how people are vulnerable when their body starts feeling a much superior and angry punches. I've got friends that will kill anyone if I only wish.
Yes, Vyacheslav is a hate machine as well as Alexey. Keep in mind that I'm merciful at the moment and soft. I would like to remain merciful but beware my wrath is unmerciful. I hope you 2 understand that. I hope that you, Mimi, understand it too. We're not playing or just making a project. It's not a game. And I'm NOT playing.
After only 2 minutes at Maxim's place I heard wild cries. People's stupidity played an important role.
1. E. don't know what the real world is. He abuses my patience and eventually I lose control over my Afghan veterans friends.
2.
I'm tired I will finish this later...
I love both of you but unfortunately for all of us my destiny is apparently Myriam.
Lucy, could you be so kind explained who I think and you think I am.
A small hint of what I am but I still live like in a surreal world.
I can't understand if It is so then why me?
P.S.
Myriam, forget about money for some time.
What I have on the hard drive is enough to make us reach and really fast. (In less than a week with right connections).
To Mimi:
I hate myself for loving you
To Lucy:
I hate myself for not loving you as much as Mimi but I love you
To everybody:
Today can be my last day or maybe not. The similar story as mine finished tragically. I hope I will somehow survive today. At least I have a real body guard now.
I hate myself but I don't want to die and I hate myself for not wanting to die.
I love you all
My friends
Peace, Love, Empathy
P.S. 2
I started this letter to 2 people now I send it to a lot of people. I don't think I'm mentally ill. If I am you can prove by just watching videos. I have already said enough.
Veux-tu bien me dire qu'est-ce qui t'arrive!!! Caliss, la tu me fais peur en criss! Esteban t'a battu comment ca!
Merde!
Explication s.v.p
bye
Myriam
Je pars maintenant pour faire un truc
Bref, il m'a agressé, mon ami Ukranien, l'a tapé très fortement, Steb suppliait de ne pas continuer. Moi d'ailleurs je suppliait les deux de ne pas faire la bagarre.
Après ca encore pendant 1.5 heures ( a partir de 3 a.m.) venait me menacer. Finalement, il a appelé la police. La police est venu à 5 h du mat. J'ai expliqué tout.
Steb a finalement mencaé avec un pistolet jouet, mais on savait pas donc moi j'ai eu peur parce que je connais les armes très bien. Les armes tuent et il y a tjr moyen d'avoir un pistolet chez soi.
Voilà
Y a pas moyen d'avoir le N° de téléphone à ton aubèrge.
J'appèle gratuitement sur les téléphones fixes :P
Hi Serge,
I don't know if you'll read this. I don't know if you read, as in "take the time to read", what I write.
I'm sorry about what happened to you. Etienne Morin looked like a nice, gentle person. Looked like one. Unfortunately, people who drink, or drunk people, are unpredictable.
You knew him better than me and seemed to trust him. I'm also sorry you've lost a friend. I don't know which is worse: the punches/slaps/etc or the loss of a friend.
I think you're a nice person. Don't think everyone is like you or can be trusted. Some precautions are necessary.
I don't need you in my memories, thanks. I want you to stay alive. Because I love you. If you kill yourself or allow yourself to get killed I'll be convinced you were (forgive my language) an asshole and that my still rather high opinion of you was just plain wrong.
Another reason why I want you to stay alive is because I want your project to come alive. Unfortunately I'm not sure you're giving your project much of an opportunity. Maybe you're using it as a tool to achieve sthg else. I'm not sure you are taking it seriously.
Talk to you later,
mc
Hello, Marc
Nice to read something from you again.
I've not yet seen Esteban since the accident but everything seems OK at the moment.
Esteban wrote me a notice where he begs for my pardon :). I always tried to stay patient and talk to people rather than lose them as friends. So, I didn't lose a friend, most probably, he would ultimately give me more respect and stop drinking too much. I think I found a real friend in Esteban and I don't want to throw him away from my life.
As for talking to you, I'll be honored to see you as my guest or come to you as your guest. If the project is not clear to you this is because you didn't have time to watch me. I'm pretty sure that there are about 5-10 hours when I talk to camera myself. I guess out of those 5-10 hours you will be able to understand my project.
I wish you a very good afternoon
Take care of you and your love
always yours
Hello again,
Well, if something good comes out of that painful experience with Esteban, I'm not going to complain! But please don't think it's easy for people who enjoy getting drunk to give it up. It's often a way of life or an addiction. Still, I hope you guys can work it out somehow.
As to your project, I've given up on trying to understand it and I can live with that. I hope you can too. There was a whole evening of talking and there was an aborted attempt at putting it on paper ; if that didn't do the trick, I'm not ready to submit myself to 5-10 hours of watching you on camera merely to grasp the essence of it, as good-looking as you are. Sorry. In fact, I don't need that understanding to support your project. Just as I don't need to be part of it in order to support it. (More on this at the end.) I'll accept it as a nebula and will henceforth call it Serge's Nebula (with a positive connotation). And who are you? You're a pregnant woman whose job is to deliver the nebula! :-)
* * * * *
Now on to sthg else. Sabrina the friend and mediator has told me about the discussions/negotiations which took place on Friday evening with Paule, Myriam, etc., so I've got an idea of the situation between you and Ludmila.
There are one or two things I thought could be a useful contribution. First there's the question of the part Ludmila can still play in your life right now. You may have solved this question by finding, back in April, an answer that suits your needs. Here's sthg you said on 1 May in answer to my "wise" email :
Tout se passe très bien entre nous. La seule chose qui peut vous chagriner un peu est le fait que on ne restera pas ensemble pour toujours. La séparation n'est pas prévue pour tout de suite :). Il faudra revoir la situation l'année prochaine après la fin de l'année académique.
On se comprend très bien et on a décidé de rester de très proches amis.
Well, in spite of the second part of your last sentence, and though this may come as a shock, my deep conviction is that her part in your new life amounts to virtually nothing. This idea was already present in my "wise" 8 April email, though I didn't feel the need to elaborate at the time :
Maintenant, si je puis me permettre une réflexion, je dirais ceci : il est peut-être effectivement temps pour toi et Ludmila de vous séparer. Personne n'est indispensable à personne ; on peut toujours se remettre d'une déception amoureuse et surmonter une rupture, même si ça laisse immanquablement des traces indélébiles au fond de nous. Si tu sais dans ta tête et si tu sens dans ton coeur que l'heure a sonné de faire tes valises et de t'en aller construire ta vie ailleurs, autrement et, un jour, avec une autre compagne, alors vas-y. Courage et bonne chance, Serge. Ne regarde pas en arrière. Chacun se doit de s'occuper avant tout de sa propre vie, de son propre avenir. Notre estime et notre amitié te resteront acquises.
Breaking up usually means "faire ses valises" rather than "rester de très proches amis". When A loves B and B isn't interested, the usual reaction is for A to move away and lick their wounds. Any psychologist will tell you that this is by far the best they can do. Staying in touch with the person you love without being able to build the relationship you want with that person hurts and friendship is certainly no substitute. A useful analogy is to imagine yourself craving sthg, for example chocolate, or whatever you crave, and then suddenly a delicious-looking chocolate-cake (or whatever you crave) is placed in front of you - but out of reach. It would take a masochist to enjoy this kind of torture. So it would be unreasonable on your part to expect anything from Ludmila now. She needs time for a healing process to take place so she can start rebuilding her life. You may have solved it to your satisfaction in April, but she needs to go through her own process now. Now that things are clear for her.
I'm telling you this as a friend, because if indeed you're counting on her for anything, I'm afraid you're fooling yourself with unrealistic hopes or expectations. You may need her as a friend but she just won't be there for you anymore, especially in the immediate future. Not so much because she doesn't want to, but mostly because she can't. What she needs most of all now is time away from you. This has nothing to do with selfishness, it's pure common sense and a necessary survival tactic. Tell yourself you are now, besides a pregnant woman who's supposed to deliver a nebula, an unreachable chocolate cake which represents emotional torture. Ludmila must protect herself against it. This is a normal process in most break-ups.
* * * * *
The other thing I wanted to touch upon may be more problematic or delicate. Is it a friend's job to tell friends what they should or should not do? Probably not. But I feel I should still express my worries and make suggestions. Or (gently) kick your ass. ;-)
My understanding is that
- in a few days you won't have a home anymore,
- you don't have any income, and
- you've lost your papers.
On the other hand
- you've just obtained a useful degree, and
- you're working on a project that you say could potentially land you a lot of money in the very near future : Serge's Nebula.
The above lists don't represent a complete summary of your life at the moment, as they don't take into account, for example, neither the chocolate-cake nor the pregnant woman. And who am I anyway to pretend I could encapsulate your life within two lists in a single email? Yet they do represent an essential reality that needs to be taken into account if any of your projects, big or small, for the immediate future as well as in the long run, are to have a chance to bear fruit.
Except, of course, if Serge's Nebula solves the home, the income and the papers problems in the first list. How likely is this? As I still don't have a terribly clear understanding of the workings of this project, there's no way I can express an opinion, positive or negative, on its feasibility and outcome. The question, though, is still worth asking, because you must have your own answer : How likely is it that the nebula represents a solution to these very real and immediate problems?
As I said, I can't answer my own question. You've got the data, you've done the thinking, or should do it, it's your job. I'm trying to help by asking what I hope are some of the "right" questions. Even if they're troublesome. Now as an ageing and rational teacher who happens to be a friend of yours, I feel compelled to ask a set of three more questions. Would it not be a good idea to start solving the papers problem, as in this administration-crazy society life is much more difficult without them? Would it not be a good idea to urgently and actively start looking for a place to stay, which includes -but is not limited to- asking your friends to help you look for one? Would it not be a good idea to start looking for a source of regular income, even if it happens to be a lousy job?
"Reculer pour mieux sauter" is not such a crazy concept. It's part of the game of chess, for which you seem to have some respect. It's an essential section in any military strategy book. This would not prevent you from launching your project, on the contrary it would allow the pregnant woman to deliver it more safely, to make it available to humanity, maybe as a part-time activity in the early stages, maybe later than you'd like, but surely in better conditions, with more preparation, from a stronger launching-pad and therefore with a better chance of success and a bigger bang. Give the nebula a chance!
* * * * *
If you're still with me, I'd like now to give you hell for the way you're treating Ludmila. On Sat, Ludmila had to ask Sabrina to put her up. Do you know why? Apparently because Serge is not respecting Ludmila's basic right to sleep in what is her own place, the place where she has at least as much of a right to stay and live and sleep as he does. How is this possible? People need sleep at night and I feel you should respect that and not play games. Friends, etc should be out and Ludmila allowed to go to sleep when it's time for her to do that. Is this such an unreasonable demand? Shame on you! :-(
* * * * *
Finally, back to the beginning and my support for Serge's Nebula. I told myself you wouldn't get your 100E as promised if you didn't even bother to give me your account number or tell me you'd rather get it in cash. I'm still waiting. Is the money useful and will you please tell me how you want it delivered? I'm not going to force-feed you! But you see what I mean when I write sthg like this :
Another reason why I want you to stay alive is because I want your project to come alive. Unfortunately I'm not sure you're giving your project much of an opportunity. Maybe you're using it as a tool to achieve sthg else. I'm not sure you are taking it seriously.
* * * * *
That's it for now. Have a nice day, and week, and month, and year, and life, and deliver the nebula and keep all your friends! :-))
Love,
Mc
Hello, Marc
Sorry for the late answer.
It's 2:03 am and now I'm finally alone with everybody sleeping.
I understand your point of view and I think you're very right.
Anyways, it's easier for me just to talk to you in real life and show you some results.
I've got good results by the way :P
As for money I don't care at all. My project was never about money, money is a a consequence of the project.
Despite the fact that I don't care about the money I know how to count it and where to get it. Actually a lot of guys already own me some money.
I think I more or less solved the problem with Lucy. All problems are usually solved by just taking some time and talking to people. When you don't talk to them they start imagining stuff that doesn't exist or interpret incorrectly the facts.
At this moment, I'm quite sure that I won't have to worry about where I'll stay 'coz Lucy was finally patient enough to let me finish my talk but after I got really badly irritated by her impatience and bad arguments.
As for the hard drive, I thank you for the shared information. The external hard drive can be very useful to transfer the data in large quantity and the price seems to be not too much for the normal user. I'm used to do a lot stuff myself so I can very probably make a 500 GB external HD for around 130 €. So you can save like 39 €. I can make such a drive in less than 5 minutes :) if I have a hard drive and a case within a hand's reach. Of course there's no warranty from me but there's one year warranty for each piece.
I'm a bit tired so I don't close this email properly and there's just too much to say ;)
I hope to see you soon in flesh and bone
yours
serge
